Embracing where you are...

 

 This is the stuff that drives me crazy, 

This is the stuff that's getting to me lately. 

In the middle of my little mess, 

I forget how big I'm blessed. 

This is the stuff that gets under my skin, 

But I've got to trust you know exactly what you're doing. 

Might not be what I would choose, 

but this is the stuff you use. 

  As I sat working on lesson plans this afternoon I started listening to my three little boys' heavy breathing and started watching them sleep...and I realized...even though I feel exhausted half the time and sometimes my babies get crazy...I love them more than anything. I have one that still isn't walking...today he pulled himself up with the cabinet door and slowly made his way to where I was sitting - only to collapse against me, chubby arms wrapped around my neck, head back, mouth wide open for a kiss - I don't know how anyone could resist smiling at that! My baby boys make me happy. When they hurt, I hurt and want to fix it. When they're happy, I'm happy. 

 I've had big plans in life - pharmacy tech, singing, accounting - but I've always wanted a family, so I always come back to childcare. I guess that seeing these smiling faces every morning, and caring for them all day helps me realize that my dreams aren't gone - they're simply on hold. I've been through stuff that I never imagined I would have to go through - stuff that I would never want anyone I love to have to endure. Time heals all pain - it doesn't feel like it at times; and maybe sometimes it just dulls the pain, but it does get better. I still have big plans - I still want to go back to college and get a degree in child psychology and finish up my Bachelor's in Early Childhood Education, I still want to have a family one day - but I realize that for now, I am where I need to be. Sometimes you have to truly learn from your mistakes so that you'll be ready when your next door opens. 

 I was recently asked this question - "What is the most important lesson you can learn in life?" My answer was contentment - learning that no matter what you're given, no matter what gets taken away, no matter what goes wrong...you can be content in your circumstances. This doesn't mean you'll always be happy or that you'll always like your circumstances - it means that you know you will survive and that if the circumstances aren't happy ones - they are only for a season. 

 Contentment is not an easy lesson. It is very easy to complain, stress, or whine. Learning contentment can make life so much easier and can help you make it through some tough times. 

What do you think? What is THE most important lesson you can learn in life?

One...two...skip a few beats little heart

The heart is a muscle, and what do muscles do when they're torn? 

They grow back even stronger.

I used wonder how people could just all of the sudden stop loving each other. How you could go from happily ever after, to never in a million years. Over the past few years I've learned some valuable lessons in the department of love. Love isn't just a feeling, it's something that has to be worked at daily. Sure, there is an initial attraction between two people that we all think of as "the spark of love". But it takes hard work and determination to keep that spark lit. That first spark is sort of like a pilot light on a fire place (A pilot light is a small gas flame, usually natural gas or liquefied petroleum gas, which is kept alight in order to serve as an ignition source for a more powerful gas burner.), if that spark is watched and cared for it will ignite something powerful; however, if it is allowed to burn out, it takes a lot more work to restart it.

My ideas have changed on love. I no longer think that people fall out of love, I think that someone quits trying. Many people believe that if one person still believes and works for the relationship it will last...I disagree. If only one person is fighting for a relationship/marriage it will never last. Whether it comes from discouragement, or a sense of defeat, or just a weariness from being the only one who cares...eventually, they will collapse. Love is designed to work when two people love each other, not when one person loves someone and the other person does their own thing. 

The Urban Dictionary says this about love:

Love is an incredibly powerful word. When you're in love, you always want to be together, and when you're not, you're thinking about being together because you need that person and without them your life is incomplete.

Need....you need them. Love is about two people completing each others lives. You work together towards a goal...forever. When two people decide that what they have is worth fighting for, nothing will come between them. But it takes two...two people with the same goal, two people with the same emotions, two people with the same willingness to do whatever it takes. 

Love can make you do anything and sacrifice for what will be better in the end. Love is intense,and passionate. Everything seems brighter, happier and more wonderful when you're in love. If you find it, don't let it go.

The pain of losing love feels unbearable; because, for however long it lasted, they completed you...you needed them. It's hard to go from relying on someone, to realizing they don't rely on you for anything anymore. It's like a shot to the leg, it takes away your ability to walk through life for a little while. But like most injuries, time heals...you may limp, you may be unsure or timid of trying to walk again...but slow steps lead to great triumphs and victories.

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life:

That word is love.

-Sophocles

Boss It Up

Sometimes we're given the chance for greatness, sometimes it can't be explained and sometimes it comes from the most unexpected places.
My life is far from perfect, far from where I want it to be. At the same time, there are things about my life that I wouldn't change for the world.
One of the biggest lessons I've learned (and am still learning) is that when something falls apart there is a reason. Sometimes something has to fall apart in our life so that something great can come together. There are no explanations because they're not needed. Why question greatness?
Is everything going right in my life? No, not everything is how I want. Am I happy? I couldn't be happier - I am a lucky girl. ;-) When I start doubting myself or my dreams I have a constant reminder than I can accomplish them and that I am amazing. Not everyone has that, so for that I am extremely grateful and thankful. Like I said, I'm a lucky girl.
I have dreams and I have hopes. Will these happen when I want them to? Probably not. Another thing I'm learning is patience, such a hard thing to grasp. I'm learning that my timing isn't always God's timing. I plan to position myself for greatness, to put myself right in its path so that it won't pass me by.
Reach for your goals, your dreams, your ambitions. They'll come calling when you least expect it. Remember, don't question greatness, position yourself for it, except it, love it, and own it! You are amazing and you deserve this!

How does that brain work?!

So I come home from my first job with every intention of sitting down and finishing up my speech so I could post it for school today. I have about two hours between jobs so I figured that would give me time to organize my thoughts and record the speech on my phone, then go to the coffee shop and upload it.
I came into my room and sat down to start writing and I happened to glance down at the floor and thought, "Holy crap, I need to vacuum!" So I went and got the vacuum, but the canister was full. I go into the kitchen to empty the canister into the trash and there's no trash bag!
I go to the laundry room to grab a trash bag and notice that I didn't clean out the cat litter like I'd planned so I emptied it and gave them fresh. Now I have an empty bag of trash and a full bag. Empty bag goes into the trash can and the full bag goes outside to the big trash can.
While I'm outside I notice the dog toys all over the yard so I quickly pick them up and throw a few with the boys (who are pathetic when it comes to catch!). Then it hits me that my actual speech is in the car so I go to grab it out and see the trash in my car. Since I'm right by the big trash can I pull out all the trash from my car.
Back inside I finally start vacuuming the floors. As I go to take the vacuum back I notice all the cat fur in the living room so I decide I need to sweep the non-carpeted floors.
After all this I finally sat down to finish up my speech. Three whole minutes on "Psychological Abuse". I guarantee you I took 50 different videos. And it's still not uploaded. Lovely!
Can you say a.d.d.?!

Play the strings of my heart ♥♥♥♥♥♥

A few of the songs that are at the top of my playlist these days and why

♥Arms by Christina Perri♥
Her voice is hauntingly beautiful! I absolutely love her music. Arms has been at the top of my playlist for awhile. I'm not really sure why, I think it is like an amazing dream. "You put your arms around me and I'm home" - one day that will be a reality. "I can't decide if I'll let you save my life, or if I'll drown" - "The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved". Such a beautiful song!

♥It Will Rain - by Bruno Mars♥
Although I haven't been a huge fan of Bruno Mars songs up until now, this song never gets old. It's the perfect love song, filled with the perfect words to describe a love that can not be taken away. "Just like the clouds my eyes will do the same if you walk away, everyday it will rain, rain, rain..."

♥Dance With You - by Live♥
I was introduced to this band a few years ago and fell in love with their music. This song in particular became one of my favorites. For some reason it always calms me down listening to it.

♥Poison and Wine - by The Civil Wars♥
I just recently discovered this song and am now a huge fan of this band. Their harmony is phenomenal! I absolutely love listening to male/female duets. I miss being in the band and doing duets, I loved it!

♥Set Fire To The Rain - by Adele♥
Adele and Christina Perri are my two favorite singers right now. Both of their voices absolutely amaze me. This song quickly became one of my favorites when it started playing on the radio. I like to play it in the mornings when I'm starting my day!

♥The Lonely - by Christina Perri♥
I was talking about the three songs that always seem to cause a lump in my throat and my sister told me to look up this song. It is amazing! Like I said, her voice is hauntingly beautiful...and this song is gorgeous. The lyrics are straight out of me I swear! "Too afraid to go inside for the pain of one more loveless night. But the loneliness will stay with me and hold me til I fall asleep."

●Painful Knots●

I've prayed a lot of prayers, but this prayer has quickly become my favorite so I thought I would break it down and explain why.

Dear God, please untie the knots that are in my mind, my heart, and my life.

Remove the have nots, the can nots, and the do nots that I have in my mind. -
This is an area that I struggle with daily. It's easy to look at your life and pinpoint everything that you wish you had, that you don't have. It's so easy for us to complain about these things. We point out the reasons that we don't have them, and how bad we wish we did. There are many days where I get upset over the things that I can't do. The things that maybe I used to be able to that now I can't. Or the things that I wish I had time to do but don't.

Erase the will nots, may nots, and might nots that may find a home in my heart. -
I have a huge fear of things that will not, may not, or might not happen. I think that because of some things I've been through I find it hard to believe that things will really come about like they are supposed to. I constantly worry about the may nots and might nots instead of focusing on the positives in my life.

Release me from the could nots, would nots, and should nots that obstruct my life. -
I think we all struggle with the things that we could not accomplish or do. This "not" causes me pain and hurt constantly. There are so many things that I look back and wish would have happened or should have happened. Things that I feel have become could/would/should nots in my life.

And most of all dear God, I ask that you remove from my mind, my heart, and my life all of the "am nots" that I have allowed to hold me back, especially the thought that I am not good enough. -
And this is where the tears flow. I know that this is the main "not" that I struggle with daily. The "am not". Although I was raised in a Christian family and was constantly told that the devil will try and get you to believe that you are nothing and that you have no purpose, I still struggle with remembering that. I struggle with the thought that maybe I am the problem, that maybe I am the cause of everything that has gone wrong in my life, that I will never be good enough to accomplish the things I want to accomplish with my life. It's hard to remember that we each have a purpose and a destiny in life. When things get hard it's easy to forget this, it's easy to cry, it's easy to feel pain. I keep meaning to put this part of the prayer in random places where I will see it throughout the day. It's a reminder that I need right now.

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

Believe in what your heart is saying...

Reliable: Capable of being relied on; dependable.
Trustworthy: Deserving of trust or confidence; dependable; reliable.
Dependable: Trustworthy and reliable.

What does it mean to be a trustworthy person? What does it mean to be a reliable person? What does it mean to be dependable? What would your defintion be?

I find it a little crazy that the three words that are most important to me when it comes to friendships and relationships are all synonyms. I picked three words that all define each other!

I'm the type of person who trusts a little too much at first. I used to think of myself as a person who trusted very little, but the more I think about it the more I realize that I trust wayyyy too much at first! There's a little detail about trust though...once it's broken - it's hard to get back. And when it comes to me, it's almost impossible for you to gain my trust after you've lost it. Any lie, or any promise broken is a loss of trust.

“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you”

Then there is the whole dependable/reliable issue. This is where most people in my life seem to fail. If I say I'm going to do something, I stick with the plan. Unless something drastic happens - I will adhere to the plan. One thing that will push me away faster than anything else is a person who cannot be relied on for anything. Don't tell me one thing and do another. I will ignore things for a long time, but if the back and forth keeps happening, it will finally irritate me enough to push me back away from you.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, all in all - I'm a pretty easy going person. Here lately though, I feel like I have no one reliable in my life, no one that I trust. I don't mean that I have no friends or people around...I just have no one that I completely, 100% trust anymore. It upsets me to realize that, but at the same time - it's almost a reality check for me. I'm learning to trust myself, and myself only. I'm learning to rely on myself, and myself only.

I love coming home at night - there are four things I can depend on...a golden retriever craving any ounce of attention, a collie who just wants to be near me, one cat curled up at my feet, and another one wanting to be held. These are my realities, these are my dependables.

“Animals are reliable, full of love, true in their affections, predictable in their actions, grateful and loyal. Difficult standards for people to live up to.”

Enough is Enough

“Don’t let the past steal your present” – Cherralea Morgen


As I was sitting here tonight thinking about my life and where I am currently, a weird and haunting realization hit me. To be honest, I think that because of the pain it had caused, I had blocked out a portion of my life. But in reality, that section of my life has dictated the way I have lived my life ever since.

About 6 or 7 years ago something was taken stolen from me. Something that was very precious to me. When someone steals something their only thought is what they want, they don't think about how their actions will impact someone else. They have a me mentality.

Although I chose to block out the pain of that memory, it has ultimately impacted the way I live my day to day life. I realized tonight that I have become a giver...but not necessarily in a good way. It's one thing if you give out of the kindness of your heart - which to some people I do, so that part of my giving is good. It's another thing when you give so that the person cannot say they took something that you didn't want them to take. Perhaps the majority of my kindness and giving isn't really giving at all...I just don't want someone to be able to say that they "stole" something from me ever again.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” – Maria Robinson

We are all faced with a choice daily as to how we will live our life. The attitude we will have, what we will let impact us, what we will put up with, and what we will do. One thing that we have been given is the gift of choice. What we do with that gift is up to us. I've spent the majority of the past 7 years choosing to overlook problems, get over the abuse, and to give constantly so nothing could be taken.

NOT ANYMORE! I don't want that to be me. I don't want to be the one who gets trampled. I don't want to be the one who gives just so it can't be taken. I don't want to be the one who allows things to happen because I feel like that's my "lot".

I've been blessed...I know I am. Although I have been through hell and back, I know that I have much to be thankful for as well. But this area of my life has got to stop!

Don’t settle for less when you’re worth so much more…